This week I dealt with the internal struggle of loneliness, the significant other-less kind. In all honesty, I like my life the way it is right now. I like being able to focus on my job and my health and my friends unselfishly. As everyone knows, dating and relationships take energy and I just don’t have a lot of that to spare at the moment. I did try dating last winter/spring and it was extremely disappointing and proved two things to me:
1.) I was not ready to invest the energy it was going to take to start dating seriously. It’s a damn full time job…no joke!
2.) I had some things about myself I wanted to get squared away first. Having spent 18 years struggling with being a single mom and being all the kinds of support that that means, I hadn’t spent enough productive time focusing on me.
Oh, the things you realize when you’re forced to answer questions about yourself…honestly! Yikes! *btw, as a child I had wished for the super power of knowing when I was being lied to and then online dating happened and changed my mind because I may have lost complete faith in all of mankind.
That said, I don’t know if even now I’m “ready” to start dating again…per se, but I know that I miss the established companionship incredibly badly. Dinner. Figuring out how to spend a lazy Saturday while we drink coffee. Doing projects with someone. And there are all the new and renewed interests I’ve been digging into. I’d love someone to share those things with.
So, the things I missed the most reminded me a lot of my EX. WHAAAAT?! Dammit!! No seriously, at one point in time we were best friends, and then dating happened…oops! We were for all intents and purposes inseparable for a number of years. We had dreamed of the future together as friends and then started making plans as a couple. Looking back, the break-up was inevitable and it was devastating. Our friendship, after all, was collateral damage. I don’t miss the guy now and we have both moved long past anything to do with each other, but I do miss not being afraid to fall because there are a couple of strong arms to catch me. I miss all the things we talked about wanting to do but never did. I miss all the things we were able to accomplish together. I miss laughing with someone at myself for any of the multitude of stupid things I do in a day. I miss the comfort of going through it all with someone by my side.
I’m blessed with so many dear friends who are married with kiddos (some brand new) and my heart smiles so big for all of their happiness. It gives me faith that there is another best friend out there for me and it’ll happen when it’s supposed to. There are just sometimes that the wait feels like it’s too long. There are also times where I’m incredibly thankful for the priceless time I do get to spend just taking care of myself. I’m grateful that compared to a year ago, it isn’t the fear of loving and trusting again that holds me back, but a curiosity of when it may happen that keeps me smiling. I have a cautious optimism of what’s to come and most of the time the lonely stays away. And for now, as with anything, that will be just enough for today!