I’ve been struggling to blog, I’ve been blocked. So much has changed in the last year, I don’t even recognize myself a large percentage of the time. How can I figure out what to write if I don’t know who I am? And then I remember that the best shit I’ve written was never planned. The times when my heart bleeds onto the paper and wounds heal and I am vulnerable. That word that has plagued me throughout life continues to challenge me when I let it. The hard work continues. The practice of new neural pathways until they become THE neural pathways. Remembering to feel and not force it, to flow and not contemplate everything. To be present and experience the life I’ve worked hard to create for myself. To enjoy my wins and learn from my setbacks. To recognize trauma responses and understand how and why they happen and then heal them. Being in the moment for all the moments in my head, heart and soul is the only path right now. Allowing myself to be the student, admitting I don’t have all the answers, and no longer feeling like I have to fix everything. These goals, these smashable goals, are where I am. Immersed in learning and healing and growing. This is Fall and Winter, these are the seasons for going inside preparing for rebirth in the spring. For digging deeper, to the root of everything, and enjoying the slowed pace of hibernation season.
This season, I’m doing a self-love project. This came up because a pretty great work opportunity presented itself and my Ops Mgr. called me out for not seeing my own skills clearly, making myself small and worrying about what other people think of me. I love that woman!!! She nailed it. I don’t want to miss an amazing opportunity that I could easily master if I don’t get out of my own way. Fearing the opportunity to grow my leadership skills and my bank account are all because I don’t value myself. I don’t feel like I legitimately have anything to offer anyone, my worth resting on feedback from others. And it was eye-opening because it affects my whole life. I’ve come to realize that my lack of self-worth runs deeper than I ever wanted to admit. Saying I love myself is only words, truly feeling it is the work to be done. Wow, what an amazing opportunity to grow! I decided it was time to set a goal that would really make a change to my whole world. Damn, I need to do this, it’s time to put my energy into finally loving myself. It’s time to step into my own skin and wear it proudly. I am grateful for this upcoming season of dormancy to dig deeper, to the root of my self-worth and learn to love what others could not. My worth is not determined by what others think of me. I define my worth by what I know to be true about myself. And so I will spend this time getting to know myself and learning to love myself.
Here is the project I’m doing: 5 Actual, Real Ways to Practice Self Love. I’ll be doing it for 90 days as I’m looking for a lifestyle change. Anyone want to join me? I already have a work friend who is doing it too. Slow your life down and take time to heal this season. Whatever that may be for you.